Two Friends – Two Thoughts

So, why am I so bothered by the friend that texts and calls everyday? One has called sporadically; the other consistently.

The consistent friend I had not heard from in a while. My grown son called her to check on me when I did not answer the phone.

The other friend has always been sporadic but devoted.

I resent the one who seems to feel obligated to check on me. Stop. Today, I did not answer her text. I told her I wanted to be left alone and I mean it. Is that mean? Possibly. I would still like her to respect it.

And the other friend? who came over to talk and took me out? She is traveling and confessed to wanting to stay home in bed, and did not want to wash her hair…so in solidarity I protested by resisting a shower. For a few days.

I have forced myself to run with my dog in the morning the past two days. The wind chill is negative, so I think that is enough. It is not a far jog and my poor dog is not as zippy as he once was, so 3/4 of a mile in I am egging him on. We barely go a mile and I am not apologizing.

Exercise is supposed to be good for mental function and I find it gives me clarity and often good ideas, plus some energy.

Someone brighter than me say the shrinks.

I did tackle some clutter. It is hardly noticeable.

It is just so hard. I feel like that was BIG.

My skin seems unusually dry. Is that the zoloft? Does anyone know? I know I should make a doctor’s appointment, and my sister has reminded me. It just feels like such a big commitment. Involving a shower and driving and meeting people.

I need to try the Xanax before I am desperate. Sometime when I don’t need to drive.

Today, the son that lives with me, left for work and will be traveling for the long weekend.

I feel relieved.

It’s hard to be social. Or even pleasant.

I am glad to have time to myself and quiet.

I would welcome any comments from someone else who has been on these meds.





Friends of the Depressed

What is a party without friends?

I know they mean well, but what they don’t understand is: friendship requires a lot of energy, energy I don’t have right now. It’s really hard to smile, to listen, to put myself out there.

I know they are concerned.

It was snowing here and I had to get a piece of mail in the post, so I drove through the storm, while one of my kids was trying to call.

I did not answer. My knuckles were clutching the steering wheel and truth be told, my ringer may have been off. So my kid called a friend to come and check on me.

I got home and did what every wise New Englander should do…put on my p.j.s and got into bed. My friend, who is beyond compare, drove through the storm with dinner and rang my doorbell.

I peeked out the window beside the door, thinking “Who the hell…?”

She saw me, peeking, otherwise, I would have hid.

I was exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was talk or interact.

I opened the door, refused her dinner, but told her I was struggling and taking medication. She hugged me, professed her love for me and left after at least half an hour.

I am grateful. But exhausted and ashamed.



Depression sucks.

That is not original. Or anything new. In fact, it’s obvious if you have struggled with depression or are close to someone who has.

I have done both. And actually both suck.

Dealing with depression is like wearing a heavy cloak all the time. It drains your energy. It weighs you down. It covers everything with a darkness you cannot shake.

Add to that the guilt of how it affects your family, your job, everything you care about and it gets even heavier.

“Depression is depressing to be around,”¬†says Dr. Muller,as supported here accurately. The guilt of exposing family and friends makes it worse.

This should be a fun blog to read, I can hear you say.

Especially during tax season. And in the bleak month of February.

Trust me, I know.

So I am taking steps. I am speaking with a counselor. I am taking drugs. Despite my resistance to medication. I had taken #prozac for postpartum depression a few years ago. When this one hit, I spoke to my doctor about going back on it.

I resisted for a while.

Sometimes, I think we need to look at the causes of our maladies, not just the symptoms. If I get diabetes from poor eating habits, shouldn’t I first learn to eat correctly rather than inject insulin? I would rather try healthy grieving after a loss than pop an anti-depressant.

That being said, I cannot handle this simple transition and marital discord that has resulted. I could not function. We moved for my spouse’s job and when we settled into a school for our child and community, the CEO of his company was let go. He was not only disappointed; he was angry.

It seemed to me he found it acceptable to come home and “kick the dog,” or rant and rage at me. When I told him I could not handle his constant anger, he said he was only venting his frustration. Our realities differed. ¬†Greatly.

I found a counselor at the request of caring friends.

This is the beginning of my relationship with #zoloft. So far, nothing. I do not want to get out of bed. But I am taking it every night as suggested by my care-giver.

Let the party begin.